How to Understand One Another When the Stakes Are High: Managing Conflicting Values in Relationships
- Better Being Psychology Group
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
Disagreeing with others is part of everyday life. We navigate differences with colleagues, neighbors, friends — even that relative who treats the dinner table as a soapbox for their personal beliefs. In many relationships, agreeing to disagree is manageable.
But what happens when disagreements involve the person closest to you?
When partners disagree about issues tied to core values, it can become difficult to separate opinions from deeper feelings about the relationship itself. Disagreements with acquaintances are one thing; conflicts rooted in political, social, religious, or moral beliefs can feel far more personal and emotionally charged when they arise within an intimate partnership. If not handled with care, these differences can lead to distance, resentment, or a breakdown in communication.
In couples therapy and marriage counseling at Better Being Psychology Group, we often help partners slow these conversations down and reconnect around understanding rather than persuasion.
The following strategies can help when the stakes feel especially high.
Listen to Understand — Not to Respond
Listening is one of the most essential components of healthy communication, yet it is also one of the most difficult skills to practice. Many of us listen with the goal of responding — preparing our argument or rebuttal while the other person is still speaking.
Listening to understand, rather than to reply, fosters emotional safety and deepens connection. When people feel heard, they are more likely to remain open and engaged, even in difficult conversations.
Approach the Conversation with Curiosity
Curiosity is a powerful alternative to defensiveness.
Imagine your partner expresses a belief or perspective that deeply conflicts with your own and triggers strong emotional reactions — such as grief, anger, or fear. In these moments, it is common to question who your partner is or what this difference means for the relationship.
Resisting the urge to immediately debate or correct your partner, and instead approaching the conversation with curiosity, can help you better understand the meaning behind their beliefs.
Ask yourself: How did they come to this view? What experiences shaped it? What does this belief represent for them emotionally?
Think of a skilled interviewer: they offer full attention, reflect back what they hear, and ask open-ended questions. A curious listener temporarily sets aside their own agenda in order to truly understand their partner’s inner world.
Use Active Listening Skills
Active listening is a foundational skill in therapy, and it can be practiced at home as well. Giving your partner your full attention signals that the conversation — and the relationship — matters.
This may include:
Minimizing distractions (putting phones away, choosing a quiet time to talk)
Turning toward your partner physically
Maintaining eye contact
Paying attention to non-verbal cues such as tone, posture, and facial expression
People are more likely to share honestly when they feel emotionally prioritized.
Take Turns Speaking
Healthy communication requires balance. Allow your partner to speak without interruption, even if you feel tempted to jump in. Interrupting is often a sign that we are listening to respond rather than listening to understand.
Once your partner feels heard, you can then share your own perspective — with the understanding that roles will reverse, and your partner will practice the same listening skills.
Ask Clarifying Questions
After your partner finishes speaking, ask clarifying questions to deepen understanding.
Questions such as:
“How did this belief become important to you?”
“What experiences shaped how you see this issue?”
“What feels most meaningful or concerning to you about this?”
Reflect back what you heard and check for accuracy: “It sounds like your experiences earlier in life played a significant role in shaping how you feel about this. I can hear that this is something you’ve thought deeply about.”
Feeling accurately understood can reduce defensiveness and create space for more productive dialogue.
When Differences Feel Personal
The past several years have been especially challenging, and many people report feeling more disconnected and polarized. Agreement often brings a sense of validation and closeness, while disagreement — particularly around values — can feel like rejection.
While it may feel easier to surround ourselves only with like-minded people, relationships can benefit from thoughtful engagement with differing perspectives. These moments can invite reflection, growth, and deeper understanding — when navigated with care and support.
When to Seek Support
If difficult conversations are leading to ongoing conflict, emotional distance, or uncertainty about your relationship, couples therapy can help. Better Being Group offers a supportive, non-directive space to explore differences, improve communication, and better understand one another during challenging seasons. If you’re unsure what your relationship needs next — more space, more understanding, or support making sense of what’s happening — couples therapy can help slow the process and reduce pressure to “decide” before you’re ready.
Explore Couples Therapy Options or Schedule Your Couples Therapy Session at Better Being Group Today.
